The Church Flakes Out: An Introspective Retrospective on Recent Film Observations (Part Two)

posted in: Jocelyn, Review | 0
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I’ve been wrestling with apathy the last several months so here’s about the most give-a-shit that I can muster. Enjoy (or not).  Love, Nom

 
Straight on Till Morning – Finally cracked the seal on my Hammer box set and sat down with this little number for the first time. Holy shit. Love. Love. Love.  It was the last thing that I was expecting from Hammer but I couldn’t have been more pleased. To date, it’s left the most lasting impression of all their films.

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Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – I think this will always be my favorite of Elizabeth Taylor’s films. There have been a handful of characters/relationships on film that I can relate to so purely; George and Martha celebrate and suffer in the kind of Hell that can only be created by our own hand. A masterpiece. Sidenote: If anyone has a line on where to get a NM/VGC copy of the double-LP dialogue from the movie – hit me up!
 
The Place Beyond the Pines – I only watched this because Mike Patton did much of the soundtrack. It felt like it wanted to be so much more than what it was but didn’t quite know how to get there. Decent, not outstanding.

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Things (1989) – Like being locked in a house with strangers while tripping balls. Must be seen to be believed.

 
Deadly Eyes – They dressed up dachshunds to play the ‘roided-up rats in the movie and as amazing as that sounds, it falls flat. It’s not shit enough to be awesome and not good enough to be decent; it just hangs there, heavy, like disappointment.
 
Terminal Island – A pretty fucking sub-par exploiter from ’73 that has a decent premise but is totally fucking stupid. Prisoners stranded on an island decide to rob the supply boat and kill the guards BUT DON’T STEAL THE BOAT AND LEAVE THE FUCKING ISLAND.  Not enough rape, tits or vicious killings to make up for the amount of half-assed stupidity on display. Pass.

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Deadly Weapons – Ahh Wishman. What can you say about Wishman that hasn’t already been said? A bargain basement sexploi auteur who manages to delight, in spite. Chesty has to go down in history as the most nonsexual sack of tits in existence. Considering she’s all-natural you’d think that in 40 years of having huge knockers she’d not look so confused by them. Harry Reems is fucking amazing as always. (RIP Sweet Prince)
Private Wars – You can imagine my surprise stumbling upon an early 90s PM Entertainment  flick starring Steve Railsback…in the lead…as an action hero. Despite my fondness for Railsback he doesn’t carry the requisite testosterone or lack of acting ability necessary to lead in a PM picture. (yes, things still blow up)
 
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan –  I do not acknowledge this film’s existence.


Undefeatable – Godfrey Ho and Cynthia Rothrock fuck shit up in this jaw-droppingly entertaining action-packed oddity that contains the most random rape scene I’ve ever seen. Everyone in this movie kickboxes: the cops, the gangs, the sister, the guy who owns the deli, the random stranger on the street, the psychiatrist….EVERYONE! Absolutely essential viewing.

Next of Kin (aka ‘No, the Patrick Swayze one’) – Ben Stiller as a mob tough-guy, Liam Neeson and his big swingin’ dick as the country-fried bow-and-arrow of revenge and Swayze as Swayze can take their misguided bullshit, fake mullets and step. Speaking as someone from Appalachia, this movie eats more dirt than that lil retard my sister-daughter shit out a few years ago. Right touched.
 
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Barfly – I fucking love this god damn movie. Brilliant.

Black Christmas/The Burning –  These are 2 films that surprisingly enough I had never seen until recently and they were both fucking amazing; particularly Black Christmas.
 
Dead-Bang – Don Johnson as a cop who goes up against white supremacists sounds good, doesn’t it? Nein, fool!
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The Penetrator – It’s your typical early 90’s porn/Terminator parody starring Ron Jeremy that doesn’t delight in any kind of meaningful way.  Seek out “The Texas Dildo Masquerade” instead.

The Magnificent Seven – Most things are rubbish when compared to Kurosawa but this was fucking disgusting. I hate American westerns.

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The Mechanic – Fucking awesome Bronson.
The Cars that Ate Paris – Subtle and not exactly what I was hoping for, a few nice bits though. The imagery of lobotomized mental patients in hospital gowns with cereal boxes on their heads as masks at a town dance is supremely creepy. Succeeded with an overall eerie feeling but wish it could’ve been more.
 
Witchery – I got about 45 min into this Linda Blair/David Hasselhoff abortion before I had to turn it off and jam shards of glass under my fingernails. Note to Linda: Unless you’re being totally bad-ass, fucked-up or showing off your big tits: NO ONE CARES. 

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Battletruck – You shouldn’t fall asleep watching a post-apocalyptic movie with the word “battle” or “truck” in the title. Thanks for nothing, Corman.

Co-ed Call Girl – Did you think that my fandom ended at Beverly Hills, 90210? I fucking LOVE this movie. In my opinion this is the best of Tori Spelling’s Lifetime flicks. (the next best being “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?” “Death of a Cheerleader” is awesome too but Tori doesn’t get enough screen time. Yes, I just typed that sentence.) Dorky detail – One of her tricks is memorable for making her strip to his classical piano recital but he’s also got a pretty memorable part in the Seinfeld episode “The Strongbox” as Glenn, the welfare-case that Elaine dates for a hot minute.

 

Fire Down Below – Yes, I have a Steven Seagal problem. I have probably seen this movie 100 times and I will likely see it 100 more.
The Wild Bunch – My first Peckinpah!  I should’ve known what I was in for when they continually paused the opening credits. Good stuff, but for fuck’s sake a little editing wouldn’t have hurt. I didn’t find it to be as extraordinary as many make it seem but I could be biased; the sun rises and sets with Leone for me.

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Punisher: War Zone – This is the only movie that I’ve seen that actually *feels* like a comic book came to life. Instead of trying to change the inherent greatness of one medium to fit the other, they embraced the spirit of the comic book and put it onscreen. Fucking fantastic.

Fort Apache: The Bronx – I don’t know why I dig this movie so much. It’s depressing and lingers like cancer. It made a big impression on me when I was a kid. I never forgot Pam Grier as the junkie hooker with a razor blade smile. I love it but I fear I’m in the minority. Embrace the futility!

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Tenebre – Fucking stunning. Every frame. Every moment. Fucking perfection.

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III – I don’t care what anyone says I have loads of love for this campy, fun, mess of a film. Alfredo is a dreamy pervert- his ramblings are sweet music to my ears. Sidenote: I wanted to blow every member of Left For Dead for sampling him: “Bone patrol for stupid fuck face…I’ll show you motherfuckers..”

 
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Death Rides a Horse – A delicious slice of spaghetti-western pie from the relatively unknown Giulio Petroni. Lee Van Cleef and John Phillip Law star as an unlikely duo hell-bent on revenge. If you dig Tarantino, watch this and see where some of his ideas originated. Van Cleef had a face that just won’t quit, it’s a shame he didn’t have more starring roles of substance.


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Action Jackson – Vanity’s tits and Craig T. Nelson’s stunt-leg are the only things worth seeing.

 
Cosmopolis – Cronenberg doing DeLillo is delightful; I enjoyed this quite a bit. I can understand why many people dismissed it- they’re stupid and can barely shut up long enough to listen, let alone think. To be fair, the power in DeLillo’s words isn’t absorbed instantly and had I watched this without having read the source material, I would likely have found myself disappointed. As is, it requires several viewings to make your way through its density. Definitely not a film for the majority, but not pretentious and self-indulgent as some would lead you to believe.

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Torso – It’s like playing with puppies, telling your Dad off, shitting rainbows, eating bacon and cumming all at once. Heavenly.

 
The Devil in Mr. Holmes – I watched this out of some weird need to see Holmes’ last film but I have to admit that it was extremely difficult to stomach. I don’t need to tell you guys how thoroughly fucked it is for someone to continually dunk their infected dick into others while unprotected and that’s exactly what this piece of shit did time and time again. I believe he only lived a few more months after finishing these last few flicks he did out of Italy. Recommended for porn-data nerds alone.
 
Well, that’s what I’ve been doing the last while. Lots of drinking, lots of late nights and lots of exploring my inability to communicate in any kind of meaningful way with anyone.  
 
These little quickies aren’t too bad once in a while. Our insatiable urge to cram as much shit, sleaze and terrible (as well as honorable) filmmaking into our already softened heads will afford us many more of these opportunities.
 
Until next time!

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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.

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