The Church Flakes Out: An Introspective Retrospective on Recent Film Observations (Part One)

posted in: Duane, Review | 0
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We here at The Church of Splatter-Day Saints enjoy all manner of film – not just trash, filth and oddities. It’s only natural that we would decide to occasionally post lists comprised of films we have watched recently but never had the time, inclination or the intestinal fortitude to review. Of course being the opinionated assholes that we are, we couldn’t possibly do this without including some thoughts/tidbits about them.

Lucky me, I get to go first (so when this bombs I look like a fuck-up and Nom comes out smelling like a rose :P). Hopefully these will pique some interest or at least entertain on some base level.

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36th Chamber of Shaolin – Good stuff, I am fond of old school chop-sockey flicks and this is one of the best.
Awful Dr. Orloff/Countess Perverse – I’m an unapologetic Franco fanatic. Lina Romay looks amazing in the latter film.
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The Wicker Tree – Very disappointing. I wasn’t expecting it to be anywhere near as good as The Wicker Man, but this was sanitized beyond belief.
Garden of the Dead – Lee Frost, director of The Defilers is in it. Other than that it’s terrible.
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Lovely Molly – Overrated pretentious tripe. Don’t bother.
Frankenstein’s Bloody Nightmare– There are some annoying sounds and some random colors. Then this guy talks all the while the screeching sounds punish you from the left channel until you hit fast forward. This one time a girl gets stabbed in a car. Shot in some grainy filter trying to make it look like it’s a product of the 70s but it’s really just a product of pretension and abject failure.
ABCs of Death – Had potential but was too ambitious for its own good. I will not be visiting the second.
When a Stranger Calls – Annual revisit. Absolutely brilliant.
Female Prisoner 701: Scorpion/Female Prisoner Scorpion: Beast Stable/Female Prisoner Scorpion 701’s Grudge Song – I finally cracked the Female Prisoner Scorpion Box Set that’s been collecting dust on my shelf. I shouldn’t have waited, as the whole series is excellent. I still prefer Meiko Kaji as Lady Snowblood though.
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Dead or Alive: Final – WTF. Takashi Miike manages to confound and annoy me once again. He’s a great director, but in times like this WAY too self-indulgent. It’s a nonsensical mess.
Chained – Excellent film from Jennifer Lynch. I only hope that an uncut version comes out eventually.
Orloff and the Invisible Man– Eurosleaze FTW!
Deadly Blessing – I’m happy to announce that Scream Factory has included the (FAR superior) titty cover on the reverse sleeve of the Blu-ray. Decent film, AWESOME cover.
Miami Connection – Nom introduced me to this and after watching it I STILL have “Friends (Forever)” stuck in my head. Absolute essential ownage, right up there with Samurai Cop.
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Lone Wolf & Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons/Lone Wolf & Cub: White Heaven in Hell – I finally finished off watching the series. The whole thing is brilliant and left me wanting more.
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Devil’s Wedding Night – Classic sleazy fun. Almost became a review but technical difficulties/apathy mired the process.
It Came Without Warning – What can I say? I’ve loved this movie since I was a wee lad. Flying killer pancakes!
Wake in Fright – Despite my misgivings about Aussie films, this one took me by surprise. I’m now even more convinced that Australia is Hell on fucking earth. Brilliant.
Hara-Kiri – Another film I’d been putting off for a long time and I should be ashamed of myself. Absolutely brilliant samurai melodrama and one of the best I’ve ever seen.
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The Town that Dreaded Sundown– Having never seen this and knowing a remake is on the horizon I picked up Shout Factory’s Blu-ray of this. The film is terrible, I hated it.

Berberian Sound Studio – Overhyped and pointless. A complete cock-tease and a waste of time. I’ll save you the time and trouble, here’s the only scene that’s worth watching:

Ebola Syndrome – Fucking classic Chinese splatter film. Essential viewing.

End of Watch – Absolutely amazing film and probably the best thing to come out of Hollywood in a number of years. Highly recommended.
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Cry of a Prostitute – How do you not love that title? I enjoyed it a lot. Plenty of sleaze and lurid moments.
Hands of the Ripper – I watch far too much Hammer (as if there is such a thing). This one was a nice twist on the Jack the Ripper mythology but is sadly devoid of Cushing, Lee or Reed.
Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness – Oh my holy fuck this was awesome. For essentially a student film the shit this guy pulled off… SO much talent here.
Spring Breakers – Being a long-time supporter of Harmony Korine’s work, the hype that came attached to this one was worrisome at best. Fortunately, my fears were dispelled. I have no idea how Korine managed this with all the star power, but kudos. WAY darker than I thought it was going to be and positively dripping with misanthropy and social commentary.

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The Pyx – I hated the fuck out of this movie, then Karen Black died. I killed Karen Black with my hatred! Sorry about that.
Stoker – All the hype surrounding this is true. Absolutely brilliant film, put together by a master. One of the best films to emerge in recent years.
Would You Rather? – A decent time waster. It could have done with a lot more variety but I’m not sorry I watched it.
Frankenstein Must be Destroyed!– One of the less awesome Hammer Frankenstein films. Still excellent.
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Star of David: Beautiful Girl Hunter This film is every bit as lurid and fucked up as you may have heard, but there are also so many layers of social commentary that it’s hard to keep track of everything. An important film that I tried to review and it bested me.
The Trip – A Jack Nicholson penned, Roger Corman directed film about Peter Fonda on acid, and it makes about as much sense as an acid trip. It’s interesting to watch just to see everyone who is in it (Dennis Hopper, Bruce Dern, etc.). Skinny Puppy sampled part of Fonda’s dialogue on Shore Lined Poison (from Too Dark Park) which was a weird/awesome surprise when it happened, having heard the song a trillion times.
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The Day of the Beast – The Álex de la Iglesia classic. Don’t be scared off by the “black comedy” label people are so fond of throwing around with this. The characters and situations can be a bit light-hearted, but the film perpetuates a wonderful feeling of dread and has a shitload of horrific elements to it (wait’ll you see the devil!). Highly recommended.
The Nest – Another favorite. I’m not big into bug movies, but the gore factor in this coupled with the weird cockroach zombies makes it a win. Could have used some titties though.
The Girl in Room 2A – This should have been WAY better. It promises sleaze and devil-culty goodness and doesn’t deliver at all. Hardcore giallo fans may want to check it out.
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Zatoichi the Outlaw – Of the handful of Zatoichi films I’ve seen, they’re all consistently decent. The recent 27 disc Blu-ray box set that Criterion just put out is sweet as fuck.
Jackass 3 – Admittedly, I love Jackass. The third film is just as good as the previous two, with the addition of an ultra high-speed camera making things extra crazy! You really can’t go wrong here. KNOXVILLE!!!
Knightriders – WTF was this mess? A bunch of cosplayers on motorcycles pretending they live in Camelot and jousting on fucking dirt bikes? Tom Savini does look absolutely retarded in tights (among other ridiculous getups), so his humiliation here made it kind of worthwhile. It’s also crazy long. I don’t know what the fuck Romero was thinking.
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Barbarian Queen – Sluts getting raped and swinging swords around and being naked as fuck? Sign me up! Corman trash, worth a watch.
The Fury – I’d never gotten around to seeing this till Arrow put out their excellent Blu-ray release and I snapped it up. It’s a bit too intrigue-y for my tastes, but that ending is something to witness.

Xtro – I always remember this as being awesome (largely due to the scene where the woman gives birth to the full grown man) but it’s really pretty meh. I don’t care about some fucking alien kid who can make his toys shoot people and shit, fuck off.

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the filth and sleaze and shit I rub in my eyes on an almost daily basis, kick back and watch films without analyzing the fuck out of them. Seeing as I can’t help but shoot my mouth off constantly, this is the end result; I still blather on about films, just in non-thesis format. It’s a sickness. We also just wanted to keep you sluts informed as to what we’ve been doing in our down time. Feel free to email Nom constantly asking where part 2 is. 😉
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Duane co-founded The Church of Splatter-Day Saints in 2005. When not immersed in film he's enjoying good whiskey, smoking meat in the backyard or thinking about sluts. He makes a damn fine habanero fire sauce.

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