Stone *motherfucking* Cold marks the acting debut of Brian Bosworth who rose to fame in the 80s as a fairly lackluster 3-season NFL linebacker who was better at getting attention than winning games.
He stars as a rogue cop who while under suspension gets an FBI undercover assignment to infiltrate The Brotherhood; an outlaw biker gang led by Lance Henrikson with ample supporting muscle from William Forsythe.
My rudimentary analysis of his football career aside (I’m a girly-girl…I don’t like sports) this movie rocks my ass off. It’s a god damned travesty that this is highly regarded as a “flop” with its 25 million dollar budget only returning a measly 9 million. But what does that mean to us, the lowly viewer? Huge sets, huge fucking explosions and non-stop kick-your-fucking-tits-in action!
Yes, it’s cliched, yes, some plot points don’t quite make sense (he’s a cop who’s logged more biker arrests in Alabama than anyone else, so the FBI (who routinely show their ineptitude) want him to go undercover right next door in Mississippi to infiltrate the biggest fucking biker gang across the nation…and NO ONE recognizes him even though he looks exactly the same and majors in peacocking.) yes, it’s over-the-top…but this is kinda what action movies are all about. So for my money, this movie delivers in spades. Plus, you can’t go wrong with a movie that is chock full of actual bikers and not actors. I can’t imagine what they all thought of Bosworth in this role, he really sticks out like a pretty-boy sore thumb, so the fact that he could infiltrate an actual gang is LUDICROUS, but hey…it’s a fucking movie. Suspension of disbelief, right?
There’s also a cameo by veteran stuntman/actor Nick Dimitri who is easily recognizable to anyone who loves 80s action flicks. The guy has had a pretty interesting life/career starting out as a Navy vet who got into Muscle Beach bodybuilding in the 50s and was a member of Mae West’s Las Vegas Musclemen Revue. Most people remember him from his infamous fight scene with Charles Bronson in Hard Times but younger viewers can pick him out as the bartender who fights Steven Seagal in Out For Justice. He’s so prolific in film and television that I play a little game with myself where I scan all action stuff from the 70s-90s trying to spot him. (I’m a huge dork, I know…but if they had an 80s channel..you could make a drinking game out of it and get wasted in no time)
The second the movie opens they’re working OT establishing “Joe Huff” (Bosworth) as this bad-ass-don’t-give-a-fuck detective who would rather blow bad guys away than bother with civil liberties and stuffy ol’ court rooms. Next thing you know he’s undercover and cuddling up to “Chains” (Lance Henrikson) to get prospected into the Brotherhood and he’s basically a human wrecking ball (much to the chagrin of “Ice” (Forsythe) who rightfully doesn’t trust anyone who comes in too big, too fast and too sweet).
This has ample sleaze; bikers and sluts seem to go hand in hand so titties bounce and shake with reckless abandon if you’ve got an eye for that sort of thing. *cough* The Brotherhood is dead-set on assassinating the district attorney who is looking to make a name for himself by sentencing one of their brothers to death and forcing criminals to pay the ultimate price for spending their lives as misguided degenerates whose soul purpose is to fuck shit up, get fucked up and rape convention in its poop chute.
There’s a whole subplot that involves Chains’ girlfriend deciding to help “John Stone” (Huff’s undercover name) and a big drug bust involving the mafia and the bikers with the feds opting to make one huge bust, hoping to put a big portion of the drug trade out of commission. Sorry, G-Men, but bikers just don’t go down that easy. *cue generic guitar crunching and the gutteral roar of straight pipes*
The only issue that I have with this movie is that William Forsythe didn’t get enough screen time. He’s so fucking good at playing the borderline-insane-over-the-top-bad-guy that it’s a tragedy to see him play second fiddle to Henrikson and Bosworth. But, in true Forsythe fashion the role he does play is as immortal as his dying words onscreen; “Fuck you, pig.” God, I love that man.
My Forsythe fetish aside, there’s still room for an intense final showdown complete with motorcycles crashing into helicopters, Chains dressed as a priest unloading his machine gun, more stunts than you can shake a stick at, a sweet-as-piss biker funeral, even more tits and plenty of hardcore brawling to keep even the twitchiest of ADD sufferers glued to their seats.
If you enjoy biker movies, action movies, over-the-top 80s awesomeness with a generous helping of cliches and cheesy one liners…then you owe it to yourself to spend 95 min with “The Boz” and let him show you what the fuck is up! Besides, it’s directed by the Baxley who helmed Action Jackson, I Come in Peace, Rose Red and The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer among others…the man knows what he’s doing behind the camera.
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating:
“God forgives. The Brotherhood doesn’t.”
All content ©The Church of Splatter-Day Saints ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
The following two tabs change content below.
Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.