Madman (Joe Giannone, 1982)

posted in: Duane, Jocelyn, Joint Review, Review | 0
A bunch of aesthetically challenged imbeciles prepare to wind down the season at a summer camp. Soon they discover that the local legend of a psychopathic farmer/badass/mountain man is real and they start getting picked off one by one. And there’s a theme song.
vlcsnap-2013-07-04-19h44m09s227Duane: Ugh I fucking hate Gaylen Ross. HATE!!!! I can’t stand her ugly fucking face or her bumbling around sporting that look of smug self-righteousness. Also, she’s a terrible actress. I hated her in Dawn of the Dead and I fucking loathed her in this. For some reason I seem to recall watching this and liking it, but I’m pretty sure there must have been a carbon monoxide leak in the house at the time. It’s fucking terrible. The acting is absolutely atrocious, NONE of the people in this are even remotely nice to look at (and let’s face it, if the girl is hot, the acting can be somewhat overlooked right? Don’t judge me), and the plot is retarded. They just happen to be having their little campfire/ghost story session in the fucking back yard of the house where all these supposed atrocities happened? Really? And nobody noticed? At one point the jackass of the group (you knew there had to be one) mocks ol’ Madman Marz and throws a rock right through one of the windows from the comfort of the campfire. That either makes the house 20 feet away, or that kid’s got an arm like a fucking rocket. Either way the evil has been awakened! Be warned!

Anyway, you know the drill. Summer camp, only a few kids around (this seems to be a particularly shitty one – there were like 6 kids total) and some crazed monster dude is killing off counselors one by one with random tools, etc. It’s not exactly original or groundbreaking in the least. It’s a pretty run of the mill and unremarkable film that could have maybe been decent if they had thrown in some slutty naked female counselors and more sex. And what was up with that brunette chick with the poodle hair? She looked like she was getting a pap smear the entire time. I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw her trying to deliver a line or look scared, she was so ridiculously dismal.
vlcsnap-2013-07-04-20h07m51s112JocelynHa! You’re starting to sound like me now! We’re in complete agreement here. I was under the impression that this was some kind of cult-fave but when the movie you’re watching opens with a fucking pompous jive-asshole who thinks that singing (yes, singing) his creepy campfire tale to you is the height of entertainment; you might as well pack it the fuck in, folks. I’m no fan of Gaylen Ross either (billed here as Alexis Dubin) but I’m even less of a fan of the kind of stupid bitch who would lay down with the likes of a smarmy fucking cocksucker who thinks singing a ghost story is a good idea.
vlcsnap-2013-07-04-20h03m03s49So when possibly the world’s most thick-headed and ineffectual head counselor finally gets around to telling the tale of Madman Marz it’s the most pathetic limp-dick story you’ve ever heard. He’s a (OMG get this?!) a man who beat his wife and kids! Apparently, my father could also have been Madman Marz had he only decided to go the extra step and brain us with an axe. Say what you will about Candyman but at least he had a good backstory. This useless tit is supposed to come skulking after you if you say his name above a whisper; which confuses me because he killed his wife and kids, they axe his face and he escapes the noose and runs off into the woods – the guy you come to know as Madman Marz looks old as the hills, so I am assuming he’s not dead and has just been living in the wilderness. How does he have the ookie-spooky after death powers of being able to hunt anyone down? Did I miss something?
vlcsnap-2013-07-04-20h13m09s224D: Yeah the whole thing seemed completely half-assed to me. Some of the kills were nice; not overly gory or anything but abrupt and well done, while others were just plain stupid. Sadly, when they show the close ups of Marz, (especially his hands) you can really see how poor of a job they did with the latex makeup. And why bother? Dude’s got like these demon claw hands why? Just give the poor bastard some gloves or something and be done with it. 
Evidently this does have a cult following; Mortician used it in a sample and wrote a song about it (Madman Marz) and some other shitty band wrote a song inspired by the film as well  – I just don’t really get why. Considering the year it was made, by rights it should have been at least decent but it’s just dull and irritating. You know a movie is in trouble when the T and A on offer here is courtesy of Gaylen Ross. I just puked in my mouth a little bit.
vlcsnap-2013-07-04-20h14m55s1J:  To be fair it had a few brief moments; the blue-tinged night time image of Madman in the tree looked really good and as you said, several kills were entertaining enough but it still comes up far too short-handed to satisfy this little lady. Oh! What was with Betsy (Gaylen Ross) and T.P. (could you have shittier (no-pun-intended!) initials?) circling each other in the hot tub and smiling for what felt like every bit of 3 days? The camp is supposed to be for gifted children but there are more god damn counselors than there are kids! It’s boring, bland and the only enjoyment comes from the occasional well-composed night shot and a few decent thumpy-beats that repeat throughout the soundtrack. It would’ve served them well to avoid close-ups of his hands or his face; less is definitely more here. Also, it wouldn’t have killed them to at least amp up the ending with some hideous scenes in the basement. They allude to the atrocities in the basement throughout the whole damn movie and when you finally see the big reveal it’s just a few bodies hanging around. So what?! Show me some cut up sluts and have him munching on some chick’s fleshy femur by the fire! Show him actually living up to the “madman” name and doing fucked up shit with the bodies he’s collected! Rebuild his family from the limbs of those he’s slain, give me something?! Anything would’ve been better than a big fucking boiling pot of disappointment!
J/D: No doubt a lot of horror fans are going to want to check this out based on reputation alone, just be aware that it’s not worth the hype. This is tolerable in a so bad it’s good kinda way. Only completists and stubborn twats who need to learn from their own mistakes need apply.
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating:


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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.

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