So I went into Galaxy of Terror
thinking….it’s Corman, it has (again, oddly enough) monster rape…it’ll totally be awesome, cause, shit! It took me 32 yrs to watch Humanoids from the Deep
and look how pleasantly surprised I was with that?! Right? Right?
OH MY HOLY FUCK! SO WRONG!
From the second that I hit ‘play’ a gigantic pot of disappointment that quickly simmered into seething hatred overflowed within me. I don’t know if it was the fact that it’s a little more sci-fi (how the fuck it can get away with having “terror” in the title is beyond me) than I can tolerate…or the fact that it’s fucking Halloween and I wanna watch scary movies, not clunky space-crazed 80’s shit-bombs that get their sound effects from a Simon circa 1978.
My blood was on fire as I was force-fed the ASTOUNDING technology of the multi-colored buttons! Blood shot from my eyes as my ears were raped by generic Star Trek sound effects! 20 min into the movie I knew exactly who “the master” was and I was so goddamn angry that I was being subjected to this fucking massive waste of my time that I made a deal with myself then and there: I would hang in long enough to see the rape and then I was GONE. All I could do was pray that the blonde got raped and not Erin Moran. Who fucking wants to see Joni’s legs spread? Eek. That’s like sexualizing an ugly aunt. Gross. Anyway… FINALLY the blonde pipes in with “I hate worms” * fuck yes! It was on, bitches! The only time I looked at that screen with any kind of anticipation…partially because I’m a huge fucking pervert and partially because I knew that this whole dreadful experience would soon be over.
Razor88: Hahahahhahahahha!!!Umm ok let’s back the truck up here. Galaxy of Terror is about this group of space dudes/chicks who are dispatched to some planet by a dude with a glowing red cloud for a face known as “The Master” on some sort of vague rescue mission. Said mission turns out to be a ruse as bad shit starts to happen to them and their worst fears are realized… IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FLESH!!!!!! Oh and a slut gets raped by a giant worm.
I’m not the biggest sci-fi fan either but campy space movies with cardboard sets (parts of the set for this were decorated with McDonald’s burger containers) and stupid looking phaser guns usually end up being amusing. Oh and the universe’s biggest flashlights. I don’t quite understand what in the hell possessed them to make these giant backpacks whose sole purpose is to be a humongous over the shoulder flashlight. It’s like cutting off the front end of a Buick and taping it onto your back. Absolutely ridiculous. So this ragtag group of space rangers start wandering around a space pyramid and get picked off one by one. That’s pretty much the gist of the movie. Featuring Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger, DUH), Sid Haig (Coffy) – as the mute space ninja with plastic throwing stars (no, really) – and Erin Moran (TV’s Happy Days), the movie is interesting enough to see for curiosity’s sake alone. The sets were designed by (now) Eco-Nazi James Cameron before his douchebag days and apparently Bill Paxton (The Terminator) was a carpenter on the set too. Oh and the judge guy from Picket Fences (Ray Walston) is in it too. This was Corman’s follow up to Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) since apparently that one turned a profit.
Firstly for what it is, Galaxy of Terror has some pretty good effects and a nice dollop of gore to boot, even without a giant worm rapist. We have severed limbs, a disemboweling and You really missed out… it happens in the last 25 minutes or so.
So yeah the infamous worm rape. What can I say? The blonde chick who’s not all that great looking gets molested and fucked by a giant mealworm as it tears her clothes off to reveal that she’s got a pretty decent body. She’s left there for dead all covered in goo. Best part: The worm on top of her thrusting and grunting. Seriously…. it’s
pretty fucking awesome. I know 99% of the people reading this are gonna see it just for that so I’m probably wasting my breath with the rest of it.
Galaxy of Terror
is a cheapie sci-fi sleazefest that really needs to be seen to be believed. It’s not spectacular, but if you don’t have some bizarre burning hatred for bad sound effects and multi-colored buttons there’s plenty in there to amuse you. It is overrated as fuck, as I’d imagine any film with a worm rape would be, so keep your expectations low and you should be fine.
|You want me to press some of these large, colored buttons, right?
Nom: Hahaha! I thought the same goddamn thing about those fucking backpack/lights!! I know if I were travelling through space and charting planets with unknown life forms that could attack at any given moment the one thing that would make me breathe easier and feel safer is an ultra-bulky set of flashlights weighing me down!
I can appreciate that you dig this film for whatever fucking reason, but a head explosion is not worth sticking around for after I’ve already seen the best that the movie could possibly offer me. Worm rape aside (why can’t a director go balls out and show monster-rape penetration? Why isn’t Joe D’Amato alive when you need him?) this movie was fucking EXCRUCIATING. Besides, once you’ve witnessed that cocksucker Savini’s head explode ala Lustig you have fulfilled the cranium combustion quota allotted you.
R88: I dunno about excruciating, I’ve seen a lot worse. I was entertained and didn’t look at my watch the whole time, expectations were in check. That could have been key. You can’t compare shit to Savini’s head exploding because he’s an insufferable prick and seeing that makes me so happy inside. So yeah, unfair comparison. And no, this isn’t as good as that at all.
I can’t believe that we wasted a fucking Samhain review on this piece of shit. Why did we think this was a good idea, again? Oh! We were pulling double-duty and continuing the monster-rape dueling reviews-thingy-ma-doo. Well, I guess it’s not so bad. We’ve taken on the responsibility of seeking out every monster-rape movie possible and digesting it for you miserable, perverted assholes out there. We are nothing if not diligent.
*bow, curtsey, bow*
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Duane co-founded The Church of Splatter-Day Saints in 2005. When not immersed in film he's enjoying good whiskey, smoking meat in the backyard or thinking about sluts. He makes a damn fine habanero fire sauce.