Don’t Go in the Woods (James Bryan, 1981)

posted in: Duane, Review | 0
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A feral hobo is killing campers in a forested mountain area that’s absolutely crawling with imbeciles and wastes of skin.
COSDS-Don-2527t-Go-in-the-Woods00001Cult classic my hairy ass. Only if your definition of such includes horrible acting, pathetic dialogue, basement level gore effects and really stupid humor. All this piece of shit managed to do was insult my intelligence and make me fucking ANGRY.
There’s a group of hikers on a camping trip out in the woods (obviously) that’s just teeming with people; bird watchers, people in wheelchairs (yes, really), irritating couples, and roller skaters just to name a few. These mouth-breathers are constantly crossing the path/ getting in the way of the hikers and serving their purpose in the blatant victim department ad nauseam.  This manner of amateurish filmmaking is indicative of the production as a whole; not only could they not be bothered to write a coherent storyline, but they have the gall to look down their noses at the viewer while doing it. The humor elements in Don’t Go in the Woods are what made me check out as all manner of ridiculous characters and situations occur at random complete with “wacky” music; including this long drawn-out segment where some asshat in a wheelchair attempts to make it to the top of a steep mountain trail while constantly falling over and shit, only to be beheaded when he reaches the summit. Zany! I can endure even the shittiest gore effects and wooden acting as long as the movie at least tries to be fucking decent, adding in comedy to cover up a film’s shortcomings is about the worst thing a filmmaker can possibly do. The last time I was this close to putting my boot through the TV was when I suffered Sam Raimi’s wretched Drag Me to Hell.
COSDS-Don-2527t-Go-in-the-Woods00003Insulting humor aside, the film putzes along pointlessly as we are subjected to the hikers bickering and generally just being retarded as they journey through the woods looking for a place to set up camp. That’s really the entire gist of the movie. None of the females in the film even approach what anyone would classify as attractive, looking as male as humanly possible (in fact I thought the one chick was a guy for almost half the movie) so you can forget any redeeming qualities this film might have in terms of nudity or sex.
The violence that ensues is a mixed bag. A lot of the kills take place off screen, with people discovering the bodies after the fact etc.. Occasionally we do get to see the killer (who looks like some bedraggled mountain man with some retarded looking bead thing on his face) do his thing, but it’s very poorly done; the effects typically look like they were pilfered from a costume shop at Halloween. It’s unclear what the BBFC was thinking when they banned the film outright; placing it on the much reviled (or applauded, depending on what side of the fence you sit) Video Nasty list, unless it was based on that fact that it’s such a heinously poor excuse for a horror film – but that would certainly be giving them far too much credit. In addition to being inept, the kill scenes are also sporadic, several happening close to each other before leaving the viewer to nod off in the long wait in between anything interesting occurring at all.
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Don’t Go in the Woods is an offensive attempt to cash in on the 80s slasher boom, and manages to ostracize all but the most obtuse  of genre fans in the process. I would actually pay money to personally and methodically kick each and every person involved in this contemptible piece of shit in the taint.
Recommended only for the retarded.
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating:
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Duane co-founded The Church of Splatter-Day Saints in 2005. When not immersed in film he's enjoying good whiskey, smoking meat in the backyard or thinking about sluts. He makes a damn fine habanero fire sauce.

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