Domesticated dogs mysteriously form packs and murder as many humans as they can get their mangy paws on over the course of a few days at Southwestern University.
I’m not a fan of animal-attack movies. I’m sure there are a few exceptions out there but by and large they’re unsuccessful due to the obvious fact that animals aren’t actors. Personally, I find it difficult to watch films with animal characters because I’m inclined to believe that the grueling repetitiveness of shooting a shitty movie isn’t something that a trained animal enjoys, even if they like performing. That being said, let’s have a look at this little turd anyway.
The movie opens with the tiniest bit of promise, a dog’s eye POV as he cruises through a poolside party at the Mayor’s house. We’re introduced to our cast of characters, mostly professors and scientists from the local university who instantly put you to sleep with their tedium. Blah, blah, science talk, accelerator, classified experiments, dog attack, blah, blah, BLAH. There’s a pre-Dallas Linda Gray who is likely the most fuckable of the handful of women that populate this ENORMOUS WASTE OF TIME but she’s still more along the lines of someone you’d take home at last call rather than leading lady. Veteran TV actor David McCallum (The Man from U.N.C.L.E., every TV show from 70s to 90s) leads as the gruff yet un-stuffy 70s professor who drinks too much, wears nothing but denim and is the only one who gives a shit about anything. If it weren’t for him they’d never have connected the recent cattle mutilations to the rash of murders. Thank goodness Drunky McLimey is on the case to incite the clichéd ignorant-Mayor-who-refuses-to-believe-that-there-is-a-problem into action. George Wyner (Spaceballs, every TV show ever) plays second fiddle as the newly arriving professor who has big theories about pheromones or something science-y so they join forces to stop the unexplained wrath of pure dog fury.
For a movie called Dogs, there are very few dogs to be seen. They apparently had access to about 8 and they recycle them throughout the entire movie. Did you see that Doberman get shot in the face? Me too. Guess what? Here he comes again. Oh, that German Shepherd that just took one in the side? Yea, here he is attacking someone else. They have these intended-to-be-menacing silhouetted shots of dogs lined up on a hilltop at night, but even in the darkness you can still make out that it’s the exact same 8 fucking dogs; it’s retarded.
They toss out this story that’s supposed to frighten everyone because some great unknown is making everyone’s pets mob it up and start killing everything in their path. They dance about 5 different theories before us; animals act differently when there’s a full moon, animals behave differently in packs, there are secret experiments going on nearby that involve the government, something about physics, something about pheromones. Bottom line, nobody really knows and everyone stumbles about from one ghastly scene to the next trying to solve the big fucking mystery that every other character in the movie doesn’t even believe or care about.
The dog attacks themselves aren’t too badly done. They conveniently occur in the dimly lit eve so that we aren’t that angry when we don’t get to see too much. Much growling later, the film limps on smartly by showing more and more blood; opting to show the end result rather than the attacks themselves.
The cops are dead, the redneck militia that went out on a drunken dog-hunt is dead, Linda Gray took a shower and now she’s dead (showing no skin is a sin!). The scientist dude from Spaceballs cajoles the college students to ‘safety’ in the library (why do they need to leave the building they’re in?!) only to have the token fat-guy-who-can’t-do-anything-right and a titular hound blast through the glass and grant screendom’s least terrifying pack of dogs access to murder THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY. I’m not kidding. Every. Single. Student. = Dead.
As if that wasn’t stupid or ridiculous enough, McCallum has a girlfriend who has a Yorkie that she carries around (when she’s not screaming so loud that it melts your face) who could have saved the entire movie if he had just gone absolutely bat-shit insane and attacked them both, but not only are we stiffly denied that little wonder, we’re denied any explanation as to why she has the only dog in the city that doesn’t want to pack it up with the other dogs and murder every human in sight. Oh! And somehow the other scientist ends up out in the middle of nowhere and inexplicably dead.
But wait! There’s more! As the only 2 people left alive drive off into the blistering sunlight they hear a radio bulletin that explains nothing and offers no answers! Then they decide to end the movie with a cat slinking around and a super loud meow. Uh huh.
DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?!
FUCK YOU, “Dogs”! You took 90 min from my life and offered nothing in return! You even managed to do it with greasy, 70s smarm and that just really pisses me off! You and your fucking stupid hair and your polyester and your forced sexuality that goes nowhere and shows nothing!
If this movie were a person it would be a lobotomized baby shitting itself for all eternity. Shitting and eating its shit in a never-ending shit cycle of retarded shittiness.
I hate you, “Dogs”. I hate you SO HARD!
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating:
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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.