Cheerleader Camp (aka Bloody Pom Poms) (John Quinn, 1988)

posted in: Duane, Jocelyn, Joint Review, Review | 0
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A handful of sluts and assholes go to a cheerleading competition nestled conveniently in the middle of nowhere. There are no routines, Leif Garret and the chubby bouncer from Roadhouse *rap* and Teri Weigel shows her tits (surprise!)
Cheerleader-Camp-25281-2529Duane: What a fucking disappointment. How do you screw up a film about cheerleaders at a camp getting cut the fuck up? Oh, I know, focus on stupidity and don’t give us any decent gore/violence. What were they thinking? Ok so let me get this straight… a group of the most inept/retarded cheerleaders make a trip to a cheerleading camp where a competition is going to be held for least shitty performance. I have never in my life heard of a 400 pound guy performing in a cheerleading troupe (Is it a troupe? A posse? I dunno).
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Included here are the usual suspects: the slut (Teri Weigel; American Bukkake 7, The Incredible Ashley Juggs and her Busty Friends), the troubled/crazy girl, the horndog guy (a very unenthused Leif Garret – Walking Tall, The Outsiders), the aforementioned “funny” fat dude, just to name a few.  One thing they did get right was the nudity. I couldn’t help but laugh at that weird titty “duel” at the pond near the beginning. Apparently if the popular girl wags her tits, it’s one’s duty as team slut to respond in kind. Sadly, the well runs dry pretty early. And what was with no girl on girl? It’s a fucking cheerleader camp, these whores should have been all over each other in the cabins at night! Unacceptable.

Cheerleader-Camp-25283-2529Jocelyn: It’s unfortunate that a movie that I’ve had high-hopes about for decades turned out to be so tragically shitty. You said it: considering the plot this should have been sleazy 80’s gold.  Straddling the line between Meatballs-style comedy and total failure this movie becomes highly forgettable at almost lightning speed. The most enjoyable thing about this film was trying to remember where I knew everyone from; the cast is chock-full of bit players with familiar faces. (chunky Roadhouse bouncer, the stuck-up love interest from Teen Wolf, we all know porno-riffic Weigel, Betsy Russell who I just witnessed dropping the sleaze ball in Avenging Angel, Lucinda Dickey who we know far too well from her Breakin’ days and Ninja III: The Domination, Buck Flower who has been in literally everything) I could go on and on, there is a smorgasbord of b-grade talent backing up this little engine that couldn’t. 
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D: It speaks to the ineffectiveness of the film that you had to make up a little “who’s that person” game for yourself in order not to gouge your eyes out. I fucking HATED the comedy in this. At one point I could have sworn that Leif Garrett was doing the worst Bill Murray impersonation ever filmed. Pick a genre and stick to it; a bit of black humor can be tolerated but this was just an obvious attempt at covering up how shitty and pointless of a film this really is. It’s really easy to make a slasher on the cheap and yet they managed to get it all wrong nonetheless. The kill scenes (if you wanna call em that) were derivative and tame; I’m sure they blew their whole effects budget on that garden shears scene alone. Even the sets seemed poorly constructed and flimsy and it was abundantly clear that they didn’t have enough money or interested people to actually populate the scenes. That party scene in the main hall with the band seemed like it was comprised of maybe 10 people – the dancing is something that needs to be witnessed though, it’s truly appalling. I can only imagine how horrified Ms. Dickey must have been to have been a part of that. Did you notice her little break dancing bit in the alligator suit? That was cute.

Cheerleader-Camp-25287-2529I was also puzzled by the amount of red herrings they were throwing at us outright, despite nobody actually having had been murdered yet. Every strange character seemed to be skulking about, brandishing some sort of lethal implement yet there was no reason for anyone to suspect something unsavory was happening. With all of these seemingly sinister characters afoot you would think that they could manage to deliver something approaching suspense but alas, we are denied in this area as well.
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J: Yea, I don’t know how many ‘fat-guy-filming-sexy-antics’ they thought they could stuff into this fucker, but too many to be sure. The writer’s passion was clearly more Porky’s than The Prowler. Speaking of the party scene; what was the deal with that band?! It was Information Society on a steady diet of self-harm, Bauhaus and beer. It seems like an odd choice for a cheerleading competition. But, you’re right; the grue left plenty to be desired, the sex appeal was much lower than it should’ve been given the premise, it made little to no sense and you’d think that in a movie about cheerleading you’d actually see some fucking routines, but it was all masturbatory bullshit. Every character was a stereotype that you either felt nothing for or couldn’t wait to see stop breathing. With nothing redeemable about this movie aside from the occasional tit; it limped on far too long for my liking. I’m actually angry that I’m even sitting here typing this out right now. It takes real talent to turn a sparklingly sleazy premise, a few competent actors and memorable cover art into the kind of disappointment that only drinking and bashing yourself about the face with a hammer can cure. 

J/D:Cheerleader Camp gets it all wrong on so many levels, and proves to be nothing more than a test of the viewers’ patience. Only the most diehard slasher fans will want to bother.
 
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating: 
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Duane co-founded The Church of Splatter-Day Saints in 2005. When not immersed in film he's enjoying good whiskey, smoking meat in the backyard or thinking about sluts. He makes a damn fine habanero fire sauce.

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