Bloodbeat (Fabrice A. Zaphiratos, 1983)

posted in: Duane, Review | 0
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When a boy brings his irritating, frigid girlfriend to spend time with his family over Christmas in Wisconsin, she gets possessed by the ghost of a samurai warrior (naturally) and projects his blue ghost who proceeds to run around and kill people while she cums in her sleep.
No, seriously.
After the initial idiocy between the awkward girlfriend and the family’s matriarch who clearly wields great psychic power because she paints nonsensical paintings, the family goes deer hunting, which the girlfriend completely fucks up by shrieking like a banshee as soon as they’re about to collectively take out their prey. This has no bearing on the plot of the film whatsoever. The mother and girlfriend mope about and make constipated faces a lot because they apparently know each other somehow having shared some bizarre déjà vu when they met on the front porch. Carnage ensues, frigid annoying girlfriend cums a lot in her sleep which powers the samurai ghost or something and the remainder of the family get together and develop laser hands in order to combat the evil Japanese invader from beyond. Oh and apparently the girlfriend can light things on fire with her mind but will only use it on old pictures of little girls.Bloodbeat-25282-2529
Add in some domestic tension amongst the parental unit, a porcine sister with an aversion to pants (I’m still trying to wrap my head around the leg warmers thing… she looks like she was dressed by a drunken hobo) and some really shitty acting and you have a completely inept, nonsensical mess. I honestly can’t do this film justice because I am writing this in coherent and structured sentences. I actually considered writing a portion of this review in binary just to convey the confusion that this film projects – instead please enjoy the previous paragraph translated into gibberish, which makes about the same amount of sense as the plot…
Carnage ensues, things of they apparently take collectivelop laser the mope as the girlfriend but to consensues, friend devely their prey. The girlfriend and mope awkward girls.  After hunting girlfriend collectivelop laser hunting light to consensical idiocy because it on they apparently take out the girlfriend appared somet the remaints nonstipated some bizarre awkward girlfriend apparently know havings on fire awkward girls.  After some bizarre deja vu which porch whatsoever. The remaints no beca.
Anyway… Bloodbeat is trying at times, tedious in others, and hilarious the rest. It’s by no means a good film by any stretch of the imagination, but there is a fair about of entertainment value to be had here. The plot makes no sense as if they wrote a 3000 page script and could only afford to film 100 pages so there are a lot of assumptions the film is making regarding the relationships between the characters, backgrounds etc. that will leave you scratching your head. Just let it happen and enjoy the ride. The kill scenes are actually pretty decent, this being the era before CGI was around filmmakers had to actually be creative with sword impalements, etc.. Unfortunately the film is padded out with quite a few pointless scenes of dialogue involving a whole bunch of nothing that – while entertaining in a “I can’t believe somebody green-lit this” kind of way – serve no purpose.
Frigid Girlfriend provides the cheesecake in this outing – fans of mousy bewildered simpletons will find much to like here as she writhes around in bed like an epileptic-turned-ghostly-samurai-meat-battery of hate. I should also warn you dear reader, that the score to this film is irritating as fuck complete with loud screeching violins at inappropriate moments.
It’s not surprising that Bloodbeat director Fabrice A. Zaphiratos both started and ended his career with this pointless drivel – it’s unfortunate because I think he may have had a solid career directing interpretive dance sequences for French cheese commercials.
Needless to say… fans of obscure trash, offbeat 80s slashers and bad cinema will find Bloodbeat entertaining – even lovable, everyone else should avoid it like the plague.
Official COSDS Nunspank Rating:

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Duane co-founded The Church of Splatter-Day Saints in 2005. When not immersed in film he's enjoying good whiskey, smoking meat in the backyard or thinking about sluts. He makes a damn fine habanero fire sauce.

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