Ep 1 “Beach Blanket Brandon”
– Brenda thinks Dylan knocked her up and breaks up with him. An inconclusive pregnancy test and one gynecologist appointment later: she’s not pregnant but does
cry a lot. Brandon ditches the Pit and gets a job as a cabana boy for the summer. Half of the gang enrolls in a summer acting class. Shit is getting set the fuck up here, folks!
Ep 2 “The Party Fish”
– Brandon learns an important (read: obvious) lesson when a member of the beach club offers to buy him a new car if he’ll keep his wife out of the way so that he can pursue his low-rent mistress who just happens to be the same girly that Brandon has his eye on. When box-of-rocks-Minnesota-stupid finally puts 2 and 2 together…guess what? Businessmen are filthy cocksuckers who dry-fuck their mom’s assholes to get ahead in the world. Hearts across the nation slap their foreheads in unison.
Ep 3 “Summer Storm”
– Dylan’s daddy gets locked up for embezzlement . Newly broke Dylan refuses to go to Hawaii with his mom so he stands around like a tortured pretty boy until he hurts himself in a (what else?) surfing accident. He mends his broken ribs at the Walshes’ until Jim catches him making out with Brenda and unleashes the middle-aged yell from hell. Contains a powerful scene where Dylan breaks into his family’s old cabana and runs his fingers over his childhood height-marks on the wall before sobbing quietly on the couch by the light of a zippo. Kelly throws herself at a fag and then gets pissed ‘cause he won’t take the skin boat to tuna town.
Ep 4 “Anaconda”
– Illegal late-night poker games at the Beach Club land everyone in hot water after a bunch of electronic equipment gets stolen. Dylan is the prime suspect since he’s broke and they find a plane ticket and a fax machine in his car. No one ever believes the prettiest tragedy in Beverly Hills. There’s a whole subplot about race riots and the black manager who Brandon has to stand up for but just like real life; deep down nobody really cares.
Ep 5 “Play it Again, David”
– Kelly’s mom starts seeing David’s dad and being the self-absorbed bitch that she is, Kelly vows to break them up. Brandon plays big-brother to some poor kid who is a fucking dick. Lily-white Walsh soon discovers that the kid’s boozy mom is beating the shit out of him. Episode closes with Brandon going to visit the mistake in some kinda halfway house for parental punching bags. Isn’t Brandon the dreamiest
Ep 6 “Pass Not Pass” – The hunky acting teacher decides to take Andrea out on a date which infuriates Brenda, feeling betrayed because she confided her interest in him first. Stupidly, Andrea decides that she’ll hand over her virginity to golden-boy while her parents are out of the house only to be further humiliated by him admitting that he has a girlfriend and won’t stick it to her. Brandon decides to buy his dream-car without daddy’s help but buys a lemon instead. Brenda slaps Andrea, Andrea cries, Papa Walsh pays to have the car fixed. See kids? No need to worry. Everything will be just fine.
Ep 7 “Camping Trip” – The gang goes to Yosemite to camp but a monsoon hits leaving them stranded in a shitty one-room cabin where they proceed to get on each other’s nerves. They get involved in the honeymooning couple-next-door’s argument and it creates a bunch of drama over having kids which hits oh-so-sensitive Dylan pretty hard since he basically splits his time between tooling around in his Porsche & feeling sorry for himself. There’s an amazing scene where he stands out in the cold with airline bottles of booze and trembling hands sucking them down like it’s his lifeblood. Brandon and Dylan go for a hike the next day and Dylan saves Brandon’s life after he slips and dangles from a cliff! Hearts across the nation gasp in terror as the fate of the world would surely slip over to the dark side should Brandon parish.
Ep 8 “Wild Fire” – Introduction of Emily Valentine! She makes dates with Dylan and Brandon, Brenda gets jealous and calls her a slut. Everyone makes up and Brenda and Dylan get back together. David’s geeky friend Scott returns home from a summer in Oklahoma with a new found interest in guns, fireworks and cowboy hats. David delivers the infamous line: “Cool it with the guns, ok?”
Ep 9 “Ashes to Ashes”
– The writers pull a very 1990 move by having pretty boy Brandon go out (as friends only, mind you) with the rich black girl who moves into the neighborhood. Her brother is a photographer for the paper for 10 minutes. The Walshes’ house alarm won’t stop going off. Rich white people problems and some very trite racial bullshit here. Pass.
Ep 10 “Necessity is a Mother” – Dylan can’t stand his hippie mommy meddling in his fatherless business. He starts drinking, fighting and skipping school. Mommy dearest finally realizes that she can’t wake up one day and be a mother when she’s spent Dylan’s entire life dropping acid and blowing roadies…so she does what any good parent would do and gives him a check for millions and millions of dollars so that he can live on his own. Despite no one having faith in the bug-eyed monster that is Donna, she turns out to be pretty handy at picking stocks.
Ep 11 “Leading from the Heart”
– The Walshes’ crippled cousin comes for a visit and falls for Kelly until he remembers his legs don’t work and no one wants to dance with the guy in the wheelchair. Brenda finally passes her driver’s test with the incredibly racist advice of an Asian instructor (complete with ching-chong music and a side of sesame noodles) David and Donna ‘like’ each other and Emily Valentine joins the school paper solidifying her role as wedge between Brandon and Andrea.
Ep 12 “Down and Out (of district) in Beverly Hills”
– Brandon submits an article Andrea wrote for a contest only to put her in complete and total freak-out mode since she doesn’t live in-district. Her grandma refuses to lie for her because of some family drama or her morals or the holocaust or something. Steve gets some scarred up 30 year old slut interested in him for his wallet and not his giant curly blonde head. He should be so lucky. No one cares about this episode AT ALL.
Ep. 13 ” Halloween” – YES! FUCK YES! Kelly dresses like a whore for a costume party and some college dude tries to rape her. Brenda takes the opportunity to remind her that she was asking for trouble in her revealing outfit. Moral of the story? Guys can’t control themselves and it’s ALWAYS the girl’s fault. David has a surprisingly enjoyable evening reminiscing in the bushes with Scott. Brandon and Emily sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
Ep 14 “The Next 50 Years”
– Scott’s sweet-sixteen blast off! The writers, desperate to unload dead weight, decide to have “thinks-moving-his-eyebrows-up-and-down-furiously-equals-acting” Scott shoot himself in front of David while trying to twirl daddy’s gun like a cowboy. David whines
because everyone acts like they give a shit that Scott’s dead but he knows he’s the one who’s a dick for abandoning him because he was embarrassed by what a fucking goon he was. The gang put his cowboy hat in a time capsule to ensure that he’ll never be forgotten. Hearts across the nation couldn’t wait
Ep 15 “U4EA” – Yes! Another excellent episode! Emily invites the gang to an “underground” club (read: rave) where she slips U4EA (read: X) into Brandon’s drink after he explicitly says that he doesn’t do drugs. Although he has an awesome time, the next morning he realizes that his car is thrashed by vandals because he was too fucked up to drive home and now he can’t trust the chick he thought he loved. Break-up City. David drinks a pint of whiskey and pukes everywhere. Dylan gives another fucking holier than thou speech about drug/alcohol use. Kelly still thinks that she’s better than everyone.
Ep 16 “My Desperate Valentine”
– Emily freaks out and goes into full-on psycho mode when Brandon won’t forgive her for the U4EA stunt. She makes hundreds of hang-up calls, writes nasty letters about the spoiled twats at West Beverly to the school paper and douses the homecoming float in gasoline and twitches around all teary-eyed with a lighter. Unfortunately all major disasters are avoided. Brenda thinks that she and Dylan make out too much so they start going to culturally diverse events and make out there instead. Who writes this shit?
Ep 17 “Chuckie’s Back” – Steve’s childhood nemesis from his mommy’s TV show comes back into their life and gives Stevie-boy a hard time about being adopted. He cries and runs off to find his real parents. No one cares. Donna and David go to a dance together “as friends” only to start kissing in the middle of the room in front of everyone. Still, no one cares.
Ep 18 “A Walsh Family Christmas”
– Steve finds his maternal grandfather in New Mexico and learns that his mother died in a car accident. Brenda gets a job at an upscale boutique and brings home a bum dressed as Santa after the owner kicks him out. Everyone shows up at the Walsh house and they all learn how much family/friendship means after the bum tells his life story. He disappears as footsteps are heard on the roof. Santa?
Ep 19 “Fire And Ice” – Hands down, one of the most BORING episodes in the show’s history! Brandon falls for a professional ice skater whose career doesn’t allow personal relationships. He also has a mysterious boil/mega-zit on his face this entire episode that apparently couldn’t be covered up. Brenda’s boss is stealing her commissions so Mama Walsh dusts off her acting shoes and pretends to be an uber-rich twat to get back at her. Hearts across the nation adore comeuppance.
Ep 20 “A Competitive Edge” – Brandon goes undercover to expose the steroid use on the track team but is in a pickle when exposure would hurt Steve. Kelly’s gay friend on the team helps Brandon do what’s “right” only unfortunately it doesn’t involve poppers and KY. Brenda gets rear-ended by a con artist and realizes that she’s a fucking idiot.
Ep 21 “Everybody’s Talking ‘Bout It” – It’s a sex-crazed fiasco of an episode when Andrea wages a war with the school board to have condoms distributed in school. According to Brandon she’s just a virgin who reads AIDS stats and doesn’t understand feelings. Donna gives a big speech at a parents meeting that’s designed to make her look brilliant. I wish my Daddy was a big-time TV producer.
Ep 22 “Baby Makes Five”
– It’s a confusing, knocked-up world when the secret of Jackie’s pregnancy gets out. Dylan wants to donate blood with Brenda for Valentine’s Day (some 50 year old man who just had life-saving surgery with someone else’s blood wrote this episode ‘cause 2 selfish, horny fucking teenagers ARE NOT GOING TO DONATE BLOOD TOGETHER FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!) and Andrea goes to the racetrack with Nat and picks some winners based on her undying devotion to the Bran-Man. Trés mundane.
Ep 23 “Cardio-Funk” – Dylan won’t shut up about AA and Brenda is bored. Their relationship gets tested when they both kiss other people; Dylan trying to help the alcoholic surf-betty from Season 1 and Brenda flirting with an ugly med student she meets at the gym. Nat gets a karaoke machine at The Pit and everything gets super cheesy and shitty. Where’s my mega-burger?
Ep 24 “The Pit and The Pendulum”
– Brandon meets a Daddy’s girl who he thinks he likes until he realizes her Pops wants to tear down The Peach Pit and build a giant mall. He fights for the little guy (Nat, stupid) against his one-episode girlfriend, a huge development company and his father’s business. Lots of yelling later Nat turns out to be a real fucking moron but guess what?! Everything is ok in the end!
Ep 25 “Meeting Mr. Pony” – Brenda gets held up at gunpoint one late night at The Peach Pit. This entire episode revolves around her bullshit. She suffers from night terrors, flashbacks, hallucinations, increased anxiety, rapid breathing, pounding heart, muscle tension, anal leakage (paying attention?) sweating, avoiding normal activities, irritability, outbursts of anger…. OMG WE GET IT! It sucks to have a fucking gun in your face! Jesus! But it doesn’t even matter because had she not been held up she would still find a reason to cry every 10 fucking minutes!
Ep 26 “Things to Do on a Rainy Day” – Fuck yes! Color Me Badd guest stars as Donna’s fave band. Brenda, Kelly, Donna and David decide to hang out at their hotel all day and see if they can catch a glimpse of stardom but Donna catches her Mother having an affair instead. Virgin McSlutty-Pants (whose clothes are getting smaller and smaller each episode) cries a lot and fights with her Mom. Dylan, Brandon and Steve hire a stripper to come over but it gets foiled by Andrea and her mom-jeans.
Ep 27 “Mexican Standoff”
– Brenda and Dylan have a hard time making curfew cause they’re too busy sucking face. Brenda lies and sneaks away to Baja on one of Dylan’s infamous surfing trips and gets stuck in Mexico cause she’s a fucking idiot. In an effort to promote Melrose Place they introduce Jake as a hunky but mysterious carpenter who finger bangs Kelly for a few days. The guy looks 40! Why is Kelly’s mom letting her fuck the help?!
Ep 28 “Wedding Bell Blues” – Ugh. Jackie and Mel get married at the Walsh house at the last minute. Kelly whines about Jake. Donna whines about her parents getting divorced. Jim had to get Brenda in Mexico so he forbids her to see Dylan ever again. Brenda whines. Dylan whines. Andrea whines about not being part of the gang cause she didn’t get an invitation the same time as everyone else. Dylan smashes a liquor bottle in anger. Hearts across the nation are anxious to see where next season will take them !
Will Dylan and Brenda ever be able to see each other again?! Will Brandon ever get a job that isn’t something that would normally be relegated to an illegal? Will Kelly ever notice that the whole fucking world doesn’t revolve around her? Can David’s music career please kick start into overdrive so we can see him pretend to be the Vanilla Ice of Beverly Hills? Will Donna please get her tit job faster so that I can stop staring into her gigantic bug eyes that hypnotize me with fury? Will the producers wake up and give Andrea a backstory that explains why she’s 5000 years old??
Truth be told, Season 2 is pretty fabulous. They upped the ante a bit by bringing up lots of hot topics that most shows avoided; teen pregnancy/sexuality, STDs, child abuse, gun violence, race relations, alcoholism (ok to be fair that’s their staple) drug abuse, infidelity, rape, etc.
Despite the fact that it’s totally fucking unrealistic because it’s written by adults (They’re teens making jokes that reference Mutt and Jeff?! Are you kidding me?!) the melodrama and posh settings make it as easy to swallow as a handful of Xanax with a red wine chaser.
Stay tuned for Season 3
! Brenda and Donna have wild adventures in Paris, Kelly and Dylan get a little too close for comfort, graduation is just around the corner so no one can shut the fuck up about college, Brenda gets into big trouble by spilling secrets to a tabloid TV show, Scott’s little sister appears for a few episodes as an incestuous slut, Dylan’s Daddy gets out of jail, Brandon develops some major gambling habits, Kelly becomes obsessed with her weight, David’s working on getting a record deal and…..Oh. My. Fucking. God. Sooo much more!!!
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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.