Ep. 1 “Misery Loves Company” – Alright kids, we kick things off with the tension-filled leftovers from last season! Brenda is forbidden to see Dylan so she does what any doe-eyed teenager in love would do and sneaks around seeing him anyway. She mopes around the house so much that her parents join the Beverly Hills Beach Club – only to discover that this is Dylda’s (best couple-name ever!) secret getaway for playing stink finger. One fight with Daddy later and guess who just moved in with Dylan? Steve is a fucking numb-skull who can’t manage to work 1 week at The Pit on a bet. Brandon is worried that Andrea working at the Beach Club will infringe on his ability to pick up slit. Let’s get this party started!
Ep. 2 “The Twins, The Trustee and The Very Big Trip” – The living situation between Brenda and Dylan leaves much to be desired but Brenda won’t admit that she bit off more than she can chew. Brandon and Steve date an ugly set of twins for the day. In a decidedly dense move Kelly stays home to enjoy her baby sister’s colic instead of taking a trip to Paris with Donna. After 40 minutes of tedious bullshit Brenda goes in Kelly’s place. Hearts across the nation smartly smell trouble.
Ep. 3 “Too Little, Too Late/Paris 75001” – Donna and Bren enjoy living life abroad but naively eat brains at the most unimaginatively named French restaurant “La Champagne” (pronounce it like me with a real thick hick accent (Luh-Sham-Pag-Nee). Just as everyone expected, Dylan and Kelly are practically picking out baby names due to being alone for 5 minutes. Andrea gets some deaf kid to join her little beach club youth group which is only notable ‘cause the kid looks like a tiny Tom (mother-fuckin’) Atkins. Brandon is a whiny twat who thinks he likes Andrea ‘cause she’s dating someone else and not spending every waking moment dreaming about his privileged Protestant cock invading her puckered, Hebrew hole.
Ep. 4 “Sex, Lies and Volleyball/Photo Finish” – As usual, Donna’s learning disability affords her much difficulty, this time in her French immersion program. Lucky for her a photographer with zero vision catches the glare from her megazoid eyeballs and stupidly thinks she’s Paris’ next top model. Suddenly, smarts are overrated. David practices being a pop star in his cabana and meets a groupie who wants to suck him off. He doesn’t want to cheat on Donna even though he’d love to blow Elmer’s glue all over this chick’s face. Kelly and Dylan continue to spend too much god damn time together making the nation antsy and angry. In classic Steve fashion he likes some hideous skank but can’t seal the deal because she only has eyes for Brandon.
Ep. 5 “Shooting Star/American in Paris” – Kelly and Dylan spend the entire episode splashing around in the sun, making googly eyes at each other and locking lips. Brenda stretches her acting muscles pretending to be a Frenchie to Dean Cain’s All-American-Blockhead. Her French accent is painful. David hires Steve as his “manager” for his upcoming role as the whitest “rapper” to fall out of a bag of flour. Brandon makes all the girls’ panties wet in this first of several episodes that exploit homeless war vets in order to make these entitled dolts look morally superior. I think there’s some drama about Andrea losing the deaf kid but I was too busy buying berets online to pay much attention. They’re not gonna do anything bad to the token Hebe or Sgt. No-Ears, so who cares?
Ep. 6 “Castles in the Sand” – Brandon’s girlfriend is a racist! A xenophobic right wing chatterbox tries to woo The World’s Dreamiest Teen Liberal to no avail. Brenda and Donna return from Paris – Brenda to the distant arms of Dylan and Donna to the only-slightly guilty arms of David. Manager-to-the-stars-Steve forces the entire Beach Club to watch David’s one man musical abortion.
Ep. 7 “A Song of Myself” – Andrea whines about sexism when the new English teacher tries to make Brandon the editor of The Blaze. A depressed Kelly changes her school schedule to avoid seeing Dylan and Brenda together (wtf did she think would happen?!). The gang play ‘senior buddies’ to a few disposable freshman characters: Scott Scanlon’s sister who is showing signs of being the littlest whore in high school, Nikki that had the hots for David over the summer and a computer nerd whose skills come in handy later. Boring!
Ep. 8 “The Back Story” – This episode is packed with scrumptious stupidity! Brenda is struggling with her 3 week addiction to cigarettes. Everyone is prepping for the SATs and being psychotic. A tabloid TV show wants to do a piece on the lives of Beverly Hills teens and this time it’s Brenda’s turn to wear the dunce cap as she runs her mouth to a fucking journalist while inexplicably expecting integrity. Of course, it blows up in her face and everyone hates her for 30 minutes. Dylan skips the SATs until his jailbird Daddy convinces him that he needs book-smarts as well as a big bank account to make it in the world.
Ep. 9 “Highwire” – Andrea keeps dreaming about walking a high-wire which ties in with her angst about getting into Yale. All I know is that they spend too much time showing her squat and meaty upper thighs. David catches Kelly coming out of the shower and had this been a sleazier production it would have been far more interesting. After some tuition issues pop up, Brenda and Brandon squabble for 10 minutes and then (BIG SURPRISE!) decide to go to the same college. Steve gets busted trying to steal the master key to the school and has to pay off the janitor. It sounds like things happened, but trust me, they didn’t.
Ep. 10 “Home and Away” – Ugh. Brandon narrates a big chunk of this episode because it involves all of this heady bullshit about bodies dropping at South Central high school football games and the effect it has on everyone at West Beverly. *yawn* I know what you really want to hear about so I’ll give you the sugar: David gets the gig DJ’ing the Pigskin Prom which gets crashed by darkies and Donna and Nikki break the ice by getting them to dance to David’s scritch scritchety scratching of the wax. Must be seen to be believed. White-bread hearts across the nation contemplate interracial sex.
Ep. 11 “A Presumption of Innocence” – Slutty Sue Scanlon tries seducing Gil Myers – gets denied, lies about it and then her mother tries getting him booted from school. This little pickle gives everyone the chance to debate/discuss it at length. Eventually we find out that Sue was molested by her cowboy-asshole uncle and she’s only acting the way that any troubled, teenage whore would. Dylan gets a cough from surfing in polluted water and finds a new cause to blather about.
Ep. 12 “Destiny Rides Again” – Brenda’s Paris fling pops back into her life so she breaks up with Dylan in dramatic fashion. Donna talks to her priest about whether or not she should let David climb on top of her and thrust repeatedly. Dylan is accused of cheating on his SATs so he heads for the vapid and easy arms of Kelly. Steve and his freshman buddy Herbert hack into the school’s computer system to change Steve’s grades only to have it crash mid-caper. The best part? Andrea gets hit by a car and breaks both of her legs.
Ep. 13 “Rebel With a Cause” – Aghh! Way too much time spent focusing on Jim’s new secretary! I do not watch this God-forsaken show to see Jim fucking Walsh apply more cologne and pop boners in his office! Steve and his pet hacker are terrified when the cops start investigating and things heat up quickly when the janitor wants hush-money. Brenda and Rick run into Kelly and Dylan on a date and the fur flies falls softly. Pretty boy Dylan wears himself a little James Dean jacket and takes Kelly to Griffith Observatory so they can re-enact Rebel Without a Cause. Hearts across the nation fantasize fantastic ways that Kelly can meet her maker.
Ep. 14 “Wild Horses” – Melodrama to the hilt! Dylan needs to leave town to clear his head but (oh no!) his vintage Porsche breaks down! He meets an old, rich slut on horseback who rubs her beef curtains all over him until he realizes that he’s staring into his own emotionally vacant yet money-filled future. David Arquette guests as Nikki’s ex, “Diesel,” who plays a fucking keytar in a grungy “metal” band and likes to beat the shit out of her when he gets drunk. Steve shows an ounce of integrity and confesses to the hack-job but refuses to give up Herbert and gets expelled in the process. David fires Steve as his manager after his “big break” rapping at the Battle of the Bands blows up in his face.
Ep. 15 “The Kindness of Strangers” – Everyone lands at the Walsh house for Thanksgiving! It’s extra, extra special this year because Brandon lugs home that god damned homeless war vet again. They learn a lesson on family and what it means to be thankful on this very rainy holiday. Steve breaks the news about his expulsion to his mom on live TV. Unfortunately, Andrea’s legs are healing and she is upgraded to crutches. Dylan’s daddy gets a 48 hour pass to see Dylan and bust a nut in his girlfriend.
Ep. 16 “It’s a Totally Happening Life” – The writers are scraping the bottom of the world’s laziest barrel here. As if the coyly named “Rebel With a Cause” episode wasn’t enough, they now decide to rape “It’s a Wonderful Life” in cheap, carefree teenage fashion. The gang are all fighting over some bullshit or another and while on this episode-long bus ride (headed to help underprivileged kids, no less) the whole god damned episode is narrated by two “angels”; one a stupid broad and the other a surly old coot. Blah blah blah they narrowly escape a crash that would’ve killed them all. This show makes me want to kill people.
Ep. 17 “The Game is Chicken” – Brandon and Steve start betting on street racing with some gearhead from detention. Dylan tries to be the voice of reason because he’s already done it all due to being the ignored, self-indulgent, cry-baby-rebel his whole life. They decide to bankroll a race between gearhead and a drug dealer who also happens to be the guy who almost killed Andrea a few eps back in the hit and run. It’s a big bunch of horseshit. Brenda and Kelly go on a double date with geeks. Donna takes over for David at the radio station and hits it out of the park.
Ep. 18 “Midlife….Now What?” – Here we fucking go again! More bullshit about god damn Jim Walsh and his oh-so-fuckable secretary. IGNORE. The girls go to a posh spa for the weekend where Cyndi worries that Jim is cheating but Brenda overhears that Mel is actually cheating on Jackie. Jackie turns down doing coke and wins the respect of Kelly but loses any that I had for her. Pushed to choose between Kelly and Brenda, Dylan imagines a very unhappy future with both of them. Dylan’s Daddy gets released from prison unexpectedly. Brandon starts betting on basketball with Nat’s bookie, Duke. Hearts across the nation can’t help but trust those big baby blues.
Ep. 19 “Back in the High Life Again”- This entire episode is filler! With Jack out of jail he has his sights set on Dylan’s trust fund of which Jim disapproves. Dylan chooses Kelly over Brenda and they finally tell her the truth about their summer fling which leaves Brenda devastated. Jackie lets David live with her even though she and Mel are getting a divorce. No one notices Andrea. Steve goes to a Lakers game so that they can get some gratuitous shots of celebrities in attendance. This season is fucking pissing me off!
Ep. 20 “Parental Guidance Recommended” – Iris McKay returns to express her disapproval of Jack handling Dylan’s money, but eventually gives in. Brandon is on a winning streak with the gambling. David and Steve meet with some record label knucklehead trying to get David’s hip-hop career off the ground; but they’re only interested in David if he dumps Steve, which he does, much to Steve’s dismay. Andrea goes to a Yale acceptance luncheon and runs into the token Darkie Mc Smart-Pants from the last racially charged episode. Brenda continues to cry about the whole Dylan/Kelly fiasco.
Ep. 21 “Dead End” – Jim agrees to dissolve the trust for Dylan and just when you think he and his daddy might patch up their relationship and finally be happy…BOOM! Jack gets a’sploded right in front of him! Some bitch gets mugged in Beverly Hills so Brenda, Donna and Cyndi decide to take a self- defense class. How long do you think it took Brenda to mention having a gun to her face? Brandon’s gambling habits are starting to catch up with him and Duke has to give him the clichéd “this is your one free pass” speech. David dreams of rapping his way to the top but his new producer wants him to be more Babyface and less annoyingly privileged whitey rhyming about everyone getting along.
Ep. 22 “The Child is Father to the Man” – Wow. Dylan acts his fucking heart out in this episode! Crushed by the death of daddy-dearest he stays with the Walshes’ because (of course) this is front page news, reporters everywhere, blah blah blah. Kelly is jealous cause she’s an insecure, stupid cow who had no god damn business getting involved with Dylan in the first place and now that Dylan isn’t in her face 24/7 she goes back to being the self-involved cunt that she is and focuses on her obviously out of control weight problem cause she has blossomed into 3 digits. Brandon can’t stop gambling. David’s “career” is in the toilet. Dylan fights with himself, his inner child and his love of libation in this tear-your-fucking-heart-out episode.
Ep. 23 “Duke’s Bad Boy” – Well, we all saw it coming. Brandon owes Duke $1500.00, he wins it back in a last ditch effort by betting with some teeny-bopper bookie who can’t pay him and guess what? Nothing bad happens. David gets screwed over his first time out with a recording company; who could’ve possibly seen that coming? Kelly is taking diet pills and being an even bigger bitch than usual. Andrea tries using Dylan to write an exciting editorial for the blaze but he tells her to eat shit and writes his own memoirs. Can you hear the violins playing? This entire episode is about how they’re ALL huge assholes.
Ep. 24 “Perfectly Perfect” – Ugh! Kelly’s a bitch who passes out at her own birthday party from ODing on OTC diet pills. Is there anything dumber than not being able to master Dexatrim? I think that extra water weight was carried on her fucking brain. Not to mention, they tackled this weighty issue (pun!) in Season 1. Have I bitched about the lazy writing this season yet? Brandon and Steve go on some stupid TV dating show and Steve meets Celeste who he dates for the next bit. Everything is stupid!
Ep. 25 “Senior Poll” – I’ll cut to the chase: Dylan and Kelly get voted best looking and Kelly takes the opportunity to whine about no one seeing beneath her alabaster exterior. Brandon and Andrea get voted most likely to succeed, and as usual Steve is upset that tooling around in his Corvette, riding his mommy’s coattails and hitting on anything with a hatchet-wound didn’t land him anywhere on the superlatives list. In a forced “wacky” scenario Steve and Brandon go to a Lakers game with Jim and Cyndi; only notable because Steve wins a $10,000 half-court shot.
Ep. 26 “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” – FUCK YOU, Episode 26! This ep is BULLSHIT. Some con-artist celebrity-tours chick breezes into The Pit and turns Brandon, Steve and Dylan’s life upside down for the day. It’s a lame attempt to showcase Evening Shade-era Burt Reynolds to the teens and tweens of the world. Apparently, Cop and A Half didn’t provide nearly as much humiliation as he required. The rest of the gang go on a senior ditch-day trip to Magic Mountain, which is stupid for a myriad of reasons. Nothing happens even though they desperately want you to think something did.
Ep. 27 “A Night to Remember” – The school board passes a ‘no drinking on prom night or you can’t graduate’ rule, so naturally they milk it for a few episodes. Brandon doesn’t have a date for prom so he ends up taking Andrea after Jordan (Darkie Mc Smart-Pants) bails at the last minute. It’s all run-of-the-mill bullshit until Donna gets drunk on 3 whole glasses of champagne and has to wait for the hammer to drop about whether or not they’ll let her graduate. Tori’s rocking some enhanced sweater-meat in her prom dress (and a few other episodes this season) so at minimum she’s flirting with the idea of the boob job; I don’t think she actually went through with it until next season. (Yes, I’m personally disgusted by the fact that I can roughly pinpoint when Tori Spelling got a tit job…I have clearly failed at life.)
Ep. 28 “Something in the Air” – Melodrama to the max in this oh-so-painful episode that centers on a school walk-out/protest to ensure that DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! After hearing 200 kids chant that for 30 minutes you’ll be running to the liquor store for relief. Hearts across the nation eat a xanny bar and melt into the couch hoping these last few episodes become a blur.
Ep. 29/30 “Commencement Part I and II” – Andrea frets over her valedictorian speech, which college she should attend, what brand of adult diapers to buy and pretty much everything else because she’s ELEVENTY SQUILLION YEARS OLD. Brenda decides to move back to Minnesota and Dylan finally becomes the teen-heartthrob millionaire that every mother dreams her daughter will find. Steve donates his $10,000 winnings to the barrio kids whose summer camp got the axe. This is also another excuse for the writers to take a much-needed break and rehash the last few seasons in classic pad-the-run-time fashion. There’s a senior breakfast where the girls sing a song about Brandon finding a girl and some of the actual lyrics are “Brandon wants a girl who’s creamy”….now I fucking dare you to not only make sense of it in an innocent, teenage way but to try to boil the image of all of the irresponsibly cum-covered West Beverly crotches out of your head. Whoever wrote that is an asshole/pervert. In between all of the flashbacks they manage to make a huge banner to hang over the Hollywood sign that commemorates their graduating class. No wonder they get voted best-at-everything!
Yep. That’s it, kids. Season 3 was a weird mish-mash of some decent story lines weaved within annoying and lazy writing. While the gang were graduating and looking toward life post-high school, they also seemed to take an odd step back in the carefree-youth department. The biggest issue this season was the Dylan/Brenda/Kelly love triangle and as angry as it made me there just wasn’t enough meat on that bone to sustain 30 episodes. It was their last chance before leaving home to just be kids and fuck shit up but they opted out of sensationalized and ridiculous schmaltz to become responsible little automatons that worried more about their majors than hooking up, getting wasted and contracting an STD. Seriously, how much better would this season have been if just one of them had contracted oral gonorrhea? It would’ve been AMAZING!
As much as I love to hate this show, at least next season we can look forward to a major upswing in the drama department! Will David’s career ever get off the ground or will he finally give up the rap game? What happens with Dylan and Kelly on their summer in Europe? There are also tons of hot button topics like date rape, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, animal rights, abortion, infidelity, homophobia, scads upon scads of political bullshit due to Brandon running for President of the god damned Universe and let’s not forget about psycho bitches and suicide! If that’s not enough to wet your whistle we can also cringe together over how fucking hideous Shannen Doherty makes herself look in just one season. She went through a lot of unfortunate changes and it’s something we all need to buck up and bear witness to. Oooh! Emily Valentine reappears and there are some mysterious strangers that show up on Dylan’s doorstep! I don’t know about you but I smell trouble! I also smell brisket and latkes from all the god damned griping Andrea does about anti-Semitism; I swear that girl’s shoulder is just one HUGE chip. Dylan gets carjacked! Brenda gets engaged! David gets hooked on drugs! Things are going to heat the fuck up so I hope you’re prepped and ready to overdose on some delectable garbage!
Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.