Beverly Hills, 90210? What the fuck are you guys doing?
Relax. This is 90210 the COSDS way. Honest observations of an inauthentic 90’s teen melodrama. Every. Fucking. Episode. You are welcome.
Ep 1 “Pilot 1 and 2”
– Twins Brandon and Brenda are dealing with the culture shock of moving from Minnesota to Beverly Hills. We’re introduced to all of their soon-to-be best friends and getting a glimpse of how different life is here. They gives us a taste of the do-gooder lessons on the horizon by Brandon not having sex with some millionaire slut and Brenda coming clean about her age to some lawyer she falls in love with after 2 dates and meets under false pretenses. Hearts across the nation are poised for blast-off.
Ep 2 “The Green Room”
– The title is a stupid surfing metaphor that Brandon uses when he writes a story for the newspaper about being an outsider moving to Beverly Hills. Introduction of mysterious loner, Dylan McKay. He compares himself to Lord Byron; I puked in my mouth a little bit. Brandon saves some drunk twat from drowning.
Ep 3 “Every Dream Has Its Price” – Brenda is jealous of all the money her friends get to blow on clothes. A new attention-seeking slut is a shoplifter and Brenda gets busted holding the goods in her closet. Drama ensues. Guess what? Everything is fine at the end of the episode.
Ep 4 – “The First Time”
Brandon’s Minnesota ex-girlfriend runs away from home to come see him and pop his cherry. Dazzled by the glamour and posh nothingness of Beverly Hills she goes “wild” and gets drunk at a nightclub and hits on Dylan. Turmoil ensues. She’s ugly and wears bad clothes. Before she leaves she tells Brandon what an incredible “lover” he is. I jammed a knife in my ear.
Ep 5 – “One on One”
This is a boring race-relations episode involving Brandon trying out for the basketball team and discovering that the school lets out-of-district black boys play so that they can win…. or do they? White people everywhere feel guilty. *yawn*
Ep 6 – “Higher Education” Brandon has a history teacher who grades on an unfair curve and is an all around curmudgeon. He cheats on a test, feels bad, realizes the teacher has a heart and then busts his ass to pass the mid term. This is the infamous episode where Brenda decides she wants to impress Dylan by going blonde. Her mom won’t pay for a $300.00 hair appointment so Kelly slops some crap on her hair and she wakes up in the Worst.Wig. Ever. AND! as if that’s not bad enough she not only goes to school like that, but she hits on Dylan. NO GIRL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WOULD DO THAT! Always bothered me, you can tell a man wrote this fucking episode.
Ep 7 – “Perfect Mom”
Kelly’s mom is a drunken, coked up slut who’s running the mother/daughter fashion show for school. Of course, she pulls a crash and burn. Everyone sees that Kelly’s life isn’t perfect and while she’s driving around in her convertible BMW and being the prettiest girl in school guess what? She suffers too. Hearts across the nation bleed.
Ep 8 “The 17 Year Itch”
This episode sucks! It focuses on the Walshes’ troubled marriage. Brenda and Brandon enter a twin study at UCLA. OMFG NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!
Ep 9 “The Gentle Art of Listening” – Brenda volunteers at a teen crisis hotline and helps a stupid fucking cheerleader who can’t keep from getting raped daily by football players. I kept waiting for a hot rape scene but no such luck. Episode culminates with cops pulling guns as she is preparing to be DP’d by meatheads again. (You can’t even give me an upskirt shot with panties getting ripped off? WTF FOX?)
Ep 10 “Isn’t it Romantic?” Brenda sees Dylan in the shower and falls in love. Dylan’s dad yells at him and he runs for the bottle but instead finds comfort in Brenda. His dad disappears to another country in the wake of some financial misdeeds and Brenda wants to give him her cherry but a visit from an AIDS infected guest speaker at school prompts them to slow things way down and talk too much…about everything. Hearts across the nation reflect.
Ep 11 “B.Y.O.B.”
– The gang have parties and drink when their parents are out of town. Brandon gets trashed and drives himself into a truck on his way to get more booze. Dylan takes him to an AA meeting for high school kids. Everything is stupid.
Ep 12 “One Man And A Baby”
Brandon takes out some slut who already dropped a kid out of her twat. Guess what? He’s not ready to be a daddy. *yawn*
Ep 13 “Slumber Party”
– The girls get together for a sleepover and tell deep, dark secrets. Kelly was date-raped. Brenda stole her best friend’s boyfriend. Donna is boring. Andrea wants to bang Brandon. They throw in some other friend of Kelly’s who’s an uber bitch and we find out why……….she’s a diet pill addict because she’s terrified of being fat. Hearts across the nation stuff themselves in a combination of revolt/depression.
Ep 14 ” East Side Story” – Brandon co-ops some puta’s “stay true to my Spanish roots, don’t exploit me” politics when he thinks he’s fallen for some barrio girl but in actuality she’s a well-off witness in a murder trial who’s only around for one episode. No one cares about any of this bullshit.
Ep 15 “Palm Springs Weekend” – Dylan is pressuring Brenda to sneak away with him on her Palm Springs weekend with the gang so that he can put the fiddle in the middle. Things get all fucked up and Brenda gets stranded at the wrong hotel while the rest of the gang end up at David’s grandparent’s beach house. He treats them like shit cause he’s a fucking snot-nosed dork.
Ep 16 “Fame is Where You Find It”
– Brandon gets a small role on some big shitty sitcom and his life turns upside down for five minutes. Brenda is covering for him at The Peach Pit and she sucks as a waitress unless she’s “acting” like someone else. Her alter-ego Laverne becomes the hit of the pit. I puked up my mega-burger.
Ep 17 “Stand (Up) And Deliver” – Brenda decides she wants to do spoken word on open mic night at some coffeehouse and feels that there’s no recourse but to drop out of HS and start “real” life. Brandon is running for class president and his campaign becomes about his looks vs. the issues. Highly melodramatic episode, excellent in the most awful of ways. Guess what? Brenda house sits for a few days and realizes that independence has its price and Brandon hands over his “dishonorable” campaign winning to the dorky/less popular guy who would make a better president. Awww.
Ep 18 “It’s Only a Test” – Everyone is panicking over the SATs. Brenda finds a lump in her breast. Andrea and Steve kiss. Brenda doesn’t have cancer but she and Brandon end up getting the exact same SAT score. Those crazy Minnesota Twins!
Ep 19 “April is the Cruelest Month” – Matthew Perry guest stars as an over-achieving Beverly Hills billionaire boy who Brandon scores an interview with for the school paper. He discovers that looks can be deceiving because this kid is all kindsa fucked up living inside Daddy’s shadow as is evident by the screenplay that Brandon reads where he confesses to wanting to murder his father. Donna’s SAT scores are super low so she decides to ditch class and smoke! 20 min later we find out she has a learning disability. Thank God she’s not just some stupid twat!
|“Of course I’m 16 and not 38!”
Ep 20 “Spring Training”
– BORING. Brandon coaches a little league team and it’s an overdose of morality when it’s the rich kids vs. the poor kids. Brenda feeds a stray dog and everyone falls in love with it until it decides to go back to its owner who just happens to be the tubbiest and dumbest nose picker on the baseball team.
Ep 21 “Spring Dance” – Kelly is nominated for Spring Queen. She and Brenda buy the same dress! (gasp) Kelly wins, Dylan pops Brenda’s cherry and no one gives a shit that Steve was adopted.
Ep 22 “Home Again” – Papa Walsh is offered double or triple his salary to move the fam back to Minnesota. Life sucks for everyone until they have a going away party at The Peach Pit and the gang records a video goodbye that tugs at everyone’s heart strings and force the Walshes to realize that Beverly Hills really IS their home now. Brandon was gonna bang Andrea before he moved away but escapes that fate by the skin of his teeth. Hearts across the nation breathe a sigh of relief.
Well, kids… that’s it. We wrapped up Season One with nary a cut or bruise among us! There is so much on the horizon! In Season Two
, Dylan’s Daddy goes to jail, Brandon gets a new job, the introduction of the infamous Emily Valentine, pregnancies, new couples, near-death experiences and even a Halloween date-rape! Fuck Yea!
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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.