Attack of the Crab Monsters (Roger Corman, 1957)

posted in: Jocelyn, Review | 0
attack of the crab poster
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A group of scientists get stranded on a remote (and rapidly shrinking) island to study the effects of nuclear weapons testing. They soon discover that the island is inhabited by enormous, mutant, talking crabs! There’s an STD joke in there somewhere but it’s late and I’m tired.
This is going to be a short one, kids. The movie made me so fucking angry I wanted to hunt down Roger Corman & rape his face with a chainsaw. What fucking absolute horse shit this was!!
FYI: The best thing about the movie is the above poster…and you guessed it! It doesn’t even happen!
The story makes no sense & while watching it I found myself yelling back at the television. Were people actually dumber back then? Don’t answer that. Wait. Can you?
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They all talk a bunch of pseudo-scientific gibberish that goes nowhere fast and the only really decent actor in the bunch is Russell Johnson. (yes, “The Professor” from Gilligan’s Island)

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A few other B-actors round out the cast, but I suppose screenwriter Charles Griffith (who penned this piece of shit as well) might be the most notable as “Seaman Tate”. He’s the man you have to thank for such gems as: Not of this Earth, A Bucket of Blood, The Little Shop of Horrors and Death Race 2000. Although, Mel Welles will give him a run for his money considering he directed the lovely Rosalba Neri in Lady Frankenstein and had plenty of roles in sci-fi and horror, perhaps most notably as the flower shop owner, Gravis  Mushnick in Corman’s 1960 classic “The Little Shop of Horrors.”
Where was I? Oh. Ugh.
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The whole time you’re watching this it’s being built up like something absolutely insane is going to happen when in actuality the big reveal is the fucking crabs that you ALREADY KNEW YOU’D SEE CAUSE THE NAME OF THE GOD DAMN MOVIE IS “ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS”!!!!!!!!!

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Professor made a radio out of coconuts?
So scientific mumbo-jumbo aside, these mutant crabs (who you know are always near because the foley-guy starts breaking sticks) somehow manage to gain a person’s voice and knowledge after they’ve consumed them. Radiation side effects? Who knows?! Actually, there are so many bizarre plot points that go nowhere and make no fucking sense at all it will boggle your mind. I’m not even kidding. I fucking DARE you to watch this thing and attempt to make sense out of it.
To name a few:
They (the crabs, dummy) live on this island and yet they’re tearing it apart and making it sink into the sea.
They have the ability to generate intense and localized heat yet they NEVER use it as a weapon.
They have gigantic, bumbling claws with no dexterity at all, yet they can snip fine radio wires.
There are so many more, I promise you.
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Suspension of disbelief is a required part of many movie experiences, but this is pushing the boundaries of what the mind can actually have heaped onto it before it just gives up and explodes.
I dig old movies, I respect the fact that it’s low-budget and ambitious…but I honestly don’t understand how anyone on this movie set could have felt good about the work they were doing.
I felt violated after watching this and I’m a woman who’s felt an unwelcome penis a time or two.
Yea, I said it. So what?
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Attack of the Crab Monsters feels like hate and anger and it smells like dead kittens and it tastes like betrayal and a piece of me died today.

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Fuck you, movie! SO HARD!
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Jocelyn lives on 35 acres of woodland in an undisclosed Appalachian location. When not boozing it up or fighting the power she's tending her organic garden or collecting punk/soundtrack albums. Her best friends walk on 4 legs. She does not own a cell phone.

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